And Yet Another Diamond

Seriously, where are all of these things coming from? My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling, and I find myself annoying at times.

I was SO EXCITED to see him today. He came for dinner tonight. Nothing fancy at all...leftovers from the hunters with baked potatoes and fried apples. And my Daddy.

We ate. Daddy left to play cards. I cleaned up and did all the dishes. Then we sat in the kitchen at the table and held hands and played music from our phones for each other. For two hours.

I walked him to the truck and didn't want him to go. But he did. And then we spent another hour and a half on the phone. What the hell is this??!

Fist Full of Diamonds

I looked at him, rather amazed as he touched my face, then slid his hand down my back until I smiled. I could barely whisper as my tears brimmed... "What have you done? I think you have broken something inside me."

He whispered back as he leaned in to kiss me softly, appropriately... "Maybe I just fixed something."

There we were...the schmoopy couple at the end of the bar everyone finds annoying. And I was petrified. But I wasn't running.

Munchies

I have gone from being a two Ding Dongs and a glass of milk person to a mixed bowl of pita chips, sugar snap peas and a piece of good cheese person. ~sigh~

Black

2012 has officially sucked so much ass that I want it over.

Every day, I pray for strength and peace. Some days it washes over me. Some days I float on it...endless waves. And some days, it is just fucking easier to lean into the pain and frustration and disappointment, not only in my own life, but in the world around me. Pushing into the black feels GOOD. Feels NECESSARY. Leaning into the whirlwind makes me leaner...meaner...stronger. And fuck whoever gets in my way. Quiet Wendy is scary Wendy. Lean in...push deeper. Fear doesn't exist when there is NOTHING to lose.

Lord help anyone who has helped create this chaos. The weak should tremble. Right now, the only way I am surviving is to embrace the black hole.

Current song... No Leaf Clover by Metallica with the San Francisco Orchestra. Wendy bright and dark at its finest.

Be afraid...be very afraid. I know your secrets. You like being the victim? I'm going to give that to you. Hell hath no wrath...

I need some kerosene.

I was lovingly admonished today about my lack of entries of late. I KNOW I should be writing, but I don’t have anything positive to say. And you know the old saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, just keep your mouth shut.” So I’m just going to dump my insides onto this page.

I’ve been watching relationships around me crumble lately, and I just don’t understand. How do you look at someone in front of God, your friends and family, promise fidelity and until death do you part…then just change your mind? When a person has given you EVERYTHING you have ever asked for, could ever dream of having, and love you unconditionally, just the same as they did that day in the front of the church? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! I suppose it is because no one has chosen me, that I find it unfathomable to just walk away from love.

I’ve been dreaming of tornadoes and watching plane crashes lately when I am able to sleep. Dream dictionaries indicate a loss of control and dreams dying. I try to tell myself it is just a bunch of shit, but I really am beginning to feel it. BEFORE I read anything about it. Or it could be the not sleeping part of it too.

I’m not exactly where I wanted to be at 42. At all. I have no great love, I have no family of my own, I have no career…or even a career path, no home, and really no life. Some days I feel like I’m just taking up space.

But then I remember the light that walked through my life in June, and what my dear new friend saw in me. Potential, love, kindness, wit, steadfastness, even a little pretty. Why can’t that be enough for me? WHY do I require constant reminding that I am worthwhile?


Summertime in Kansas means big sticky bugs on your windshield. They dry fast, and are almost impossible to remove. It seems like it almost takes kerosene to get them off so I can see clearly. I have bugs on my windshield. Literally, and figuratively. I need someone to help me get them off. I feel as though I’m sliding into the abyss. Maybe I should up my meds.

I need a good weekend. I need someone to hold a mirror up to me again. Or maybe I just need a project I can sink my teeth into. You know, focus on someone else rather than fix what is broken inside myself.

Ahhhh the joys of being an Adult Daughter. Smile, though your heart is breaking… Must make the package look pretty, even though it contains a lump of crap.

Stones

I've had a few stones...but life is looking up. I have a fantastic weekend ahead.

Last night's sunset was stellar, reminding me why I love living right here.

A Fat Rant.