I need some kerosene.

I was lovingly admonished today about my lack of entries of late. I KNOW I should be writing, but I don’t have anything positive to say. And you know the old saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, just keep your mouth shut.” So I’m just going to dump my insides onto this page.

I’ve been watching relationships around me crumble lately, and I just don’t understand. How do you look at someone in front of God, your friends and family, promise fidelity and until death do you part…then just change your mind? When a person has given you EVERYTHING you have ever asked for, could ever dream of having, and love you unconditionally, just the same as they did that day in the front of the church? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! I suppose it is because no one has chosen me, that I find it unfathomable to just walk away from love.

I’ve been dreaming of tornadoes and watching plane crashes lately when I am able to sleep. Dream dictionaries indicate a loss of control and dreams dying. I try to tell myself it is just a bunch of shit, but I really am beginning to feel it. BEFORE I read anything about it. Or it could be the not sleeping part of it too.

I’m not exactly where I wanted to be at 42. At all. I have no great love, I have no family of my own, I have no career…or even a career path, no home, and really no life. Some days I feel like I’m just taking up space.

But then I remember the light that walked through my life in June, and what my dear new friend saw in me. Potential, love, kindness, wit, steadfastness, even a little pretty. Why can’t that be enough for me? WHY do I require constant reminding that I am worthwhile?


Summertime in Kansas means big sticky bugs on your windshield. They dry fast, and are almost impossible to remove. It seems like it almost takes kerosene to get them off so I can see clearly. I have bugs on my windshield. Literally, and figuratively. I need someone to help me get them off. I feel as though I’m sliding into the abyss. Maybe I should up my meds.

I need a good weekend. I need someone to hold a mirror up to me again. Or maybe I just need a project I can sink my teeth into. You know, focus on someone else rather than fix what is broken inside myself.

Ahhhh the joys of being an Adult Daughter. Smile, though your heart is breaking… Must make the package look pretty, even though it contains a lump of crap.